Smoke and mirrors...

The drive to MEPS (one of many acronyms that has no meaning to me except by association) was a long and quiet one. My recruiter made several attempts to reassure me that I had made the right choice and it would be over before I knew it. His mistake was in thinking that it was basic training I was dreading the most. That I was scared of the pain of nine weeks. He could not make me feel better about the real reason which was I knew that I had made a mistake that would cost me for the rest of my life. I was stepping into the horrific reality that I was bound to an institution that could compel me to do damnable things and I could only choose jail instead. I had signed my name in support of a war machine and I was praying for forgiveness before I even got on the plane for basic. I wouldn't even let myself think about Tom. The mind knows its own limits most times, and I knew I would go insane completely if I let his face remain in my mind. If I sank into his scent still on my clothes. So I threw myself into the real but more managable concerns of my soul.

There was little ceremony when we arrived at MEPS. My recruiter dropped me off at the door and neither of us made any pretense that there had been any significance to the relationship that brought us here. And I was on my own among all the other wandering souls of that place. The powers that be didn't have the decency to get us on our way quickly. I would soon learn that this is the hallmark of the military. We waited from 5 am until about two in the afternoon to simply get on a plane. There was paperwork but not much. Mostly there was a lot of sitting on our asses, making light conversation for distraction. There was one seventeen year old girl, just old enough to join the guard, had a three-year old kid already. There were a lot of mothers there actually. One was thirty-six, just barely young enough to still join the guard, three kids. I thanked God I wasn't leaving behind babies as well as Tom. I couldn't imagine any amount of money or benefits could compensate for missing a year of your child's life. Then again I've never had to try to raise a child on my own. Obviously security was strong enough a reason for Tom and I.

There was another person at the MEPS that I will not soon forget, for better or worse. She was this youngish, sweet looking girl with her youngish, sweet looking husband. He was in the infantry and she was going into the reserves. We discovered pretty quickly that we were both Christians and spent a while talking about Wheaton and her life growing up as a missionary kid. So much in common. It is difficult to talk of her now without revealing my current bitterness with her, but in all fairness I'm trying to convey that I took great comfort in her the first few weeks and most especially the first few days. We did not leave each other's side until the last day of basic and there is a lot to be said for such loyalty. Anyway, I sat with her and her husband and it helped me feel like I was sitting with some bit of family. They were obviously torn about their own decision and somehow it helped to feel like I was comforting them and thereby forgetting my own recent loss. When we eventually flew out of the Shreveport airport, she and I sat next to each other and reminded each other of the miracles that had brought us to our respective husbands, and smiled and relaxed.

We had a several hour layover in Houston, had our last free meal, and I talked to Tom one last time. The next plane would take us to Columbia, South Carolina and the beginning of it all. The terror was helpfully mind-numbing. It occured to me that it felt very much like being buried alive, but at least it was cool and it was dark. I was looking out the portal at the darkening sky while everyone else wisely took the opportunity to sleep, and I saw such beauty it almost woke me from the darkness. It seemed as if we were riding on the very edge between twilight and night and there was a lightning storm in the darkest part of the horizon. The sun still setting behind us as we flew east cast a rose sheer over the darkness and the lightning etched violent paths across the sky.