Fear and loathing

It took me a long time to see through my own fear to recognize the widespread panic around me. In fact, I would say it's only come in retrospect and a lot more experience in the "real" army. The truth of the matter was that all those in leadership positions, enlisted and officer alike, were scared shitless by a war they could no more defend than train civilians to fight. They spouted rhetoric that was last used in World War II about "fighting for freedom" and "justice" and "duty and honor", but there was not a single one of them that said those same lines to themselves in the uncomfortableness of dark before sleep. It's taken a couple years for this rhetoric to disappear even from the pomposities of the parade field that claims nothing more than platitudes at best. There was a general a couple months ago who tried to pull the old-fashioned and faux pas lines back for another round, and even the troops on the field for their own deployment ceremony exuded disapproval edging on hostility. Because they've been there. Some more than once. And they've seen for themselves that there is no definable enemy, and no evidence that anyone is being freed or even that we are protecting our own country's freedom. There is only survival until the powers that be say that you can return home to try to pick up the pieces of too much seen for too little reason.

I did not know much if any of this when I was going through training, but I could taste fear beyond my own constant state of panic in the overzealous demeaning of the hajiis ("ragheads") and incessant ranting of impending death for all of us. I confused it at the time for rigorous training since the army is a war machine after all. That and bigotry. What I didn't realize was that those trying to lead us had already seen too much and no longer knew if their souls could survive sending the youths that I trained alongside to their demise, whether it be physical or psychological.